I'm fine...but I'm NOT!

I’m currently reading Grace for the Good Girl by Emily Freeman.  Wow – what an amazing book! 

I’m a mask-wearer.  I didn’t realize I was a mask-wearer until I picked-up this book and turned to page 1.  I know I am a hat-wearer.  My hats are…

Daughter

Sister

Friend

Secretary

Fun Angie

Confidante

Sunday School Teacher

Work-out Partner

Coffee Peep

Pen Pal

Crafter

And most importantly, a daughter of the King of Kings

Hats, I am well-aware that I wear many of them.  Masks…I only am beginning to discover a mask that I have worn for years.  It’s the mask of “I’m fine.”

Have you ever been asked, “How are you?”  And you know the person sincerely wants to know…HOW ARE YOU?  They ask…you reply, “I’m fine.”  You’re not fine.  I’m not fine.  Then to be kind and reciprocate, you inquire of them, “And how are you?”  Naturally – they are fine as well. 

When reading Chapter 4, With a wink and a smile, I realized that I do this.  Instead of letting down my guard, which I have so adequately built-up to protect myself, I’m fine with a smile…even when my heart is breaking…even when I am disappointed…even when I don’t understand.  My name is Angie and I am fine. 

Emily explains that not everyone should be privy to our cares and concerns and a 20-minute dissertation regarding our day/week/month…but we should have some close friends that we can be completely honest with. 

In the following chapters (I’m only on Chapter 12 so I can only speak of the 8 chapters between 4 and 12), she delves into other masks we so graciously don.  They are:

Acts of Service

Spiritual Disciplines

Strength and Responsibility

Comfort Zone

Indifference

Once she gets past indifference, the following chapter is GAME OVER.  From there, Part 2 begins – The Finding.  For the next 4 chapters, she begins explaining what we can do to get past hiding.  I’m looking forward to Part 3 – The Freedom of Being Found.  Freedom – who doesn’t love that?

Speaking of freedom…tonight is the opening ceremonies for the Olympics.  Earlier this morning when I was contemplating the Olympics – I was thinking about our National Anthem and the fact that I get choked-up every single time I hear it.  Take me to a baseball game…I will shed grateful tears.  Watch the Winter Games with me…watch the USA athletes win gold – when the podium moment comes, I will be the girl sitting on my couch, listening to the beautiful melody and silently shedding tears.  I love freedom…I love what the National Anthem represents.  I think of Francis Scott Key watching those rockets of red glare and thinking about all that was gained…and even, I think, all that was lost. 

Back to the book…I’ve been praying that the Lord would help me to peel off the “I’m fine” mask and leave it at His feet.  I had a God-given amazing opportunity on Wednesday night at Bible study.  We have a smaller group of Bible study because of the Dave Ramsey seminar going on in the sanctuary.  My small-ish Bible study group – about 10 of us – inquired how I was…  I glanced around at the expectant look on their faces and I felt the Holy Spirit nudge me…it was as if He was saying, They are asking you how you are doing…are you going to say ‘fine’?  I saw true concern on their faces.  They waited while I paused and felt this inner prompting.  And then instead of being honest and saying,

“I’m disappointed with circumstances beyond my control.”

“I’m drained from a long day at work.”

“I’m sad because plans got changed.”

Instead of being honest…I told a BIG, FAT lie…and replied {YOU GUESSED IT!!!!}, “I’m fine.” 

They, then, proceeded to look at me as if I had a horn growing out of my head.  It was apparent that I wasn’t fine…and I just lied.  Ok, Pinocchio.  Nose growing at a rapid rate.

After my “I’m fine” lie, I felt exhausted and spent.  The internal conflict to be just FINE and not truthful is draining.  I want to be honest with my church family {FAM-I-LY!}.  I don’t want to be the girl hiding behind the mask of “I’m fine” for the sake of people not knowing the real me and the real struggles that I have.

Something else that falls under this mask…when circumstances are disappointing, it is my natural reaction to say, “But it’s ok” even when truly – it’s not really ok.  I would be better not concluding everything with that.  I do this as a defense mechanism.  If I say “But it’s okay” I can convince myself that what I was hopeful for/looking forward to was not as important to me as it really and truly was.

I don’t want to say one thing but mean another because last time I checked that was a lie.  I’m lying to myself.  I’m lying to others.  I’m lying to God…and He knows my heart and He has the power to change me and my heart.

I do not want to live with this mask on anymore…I’m just really scared about removing it. 

At the beginning of her book, Emily talks about seeing Phantom of the Opera and watching the masquerade scene.  I want to see Phantom on broadway but that it is on my bucket list.  I have, however, saw Phantom at Rock Valley College at Starlight.  Loved it! Loved it!  Loved it!  I especially loved the masquerade.  At this type of ball, everyone is in costume and wearing elaborate masks to hide their true identity. 

When I wear my “I’m fine” mask, I am not letting other people see the real me.  Emily, also, pointed out that Christ is glorified when we share our struggles and burdens with others – not in a dump-truck emptying itself out on to people…but in a heartfelt, sharing of burdens and struggles and every day life.  He is more glorified through our trials and struggles because we see HIM best during those times.  When life is floating along peacefully, yes – we do acknowledge Him…but when we struggle, we FEEL HIM and we TRUST HIM. 

Another reason why I know I hide behind this mask is because when people don’t dig deeper and inquire if I am really and truly fine, I get frustrated.  That is a sign that you are wearing this mask.  I justify it with, “If they really knew me, they would know that I wasn’t fine” even though I am the one who just said, “I’m fine.”  Last I checked, I wasn’t wearing a portable lie detector test…but I do have the Holy Spirit living inside of me and with His help, I want to put down the “I’m fine” mask and bask in His grace while I walk through this life.